Monday, September 20, 2010
Thorns and Roses
Many people wish that they could feel good, but sometimes I just wish that I couldn't feel.
So much of my life with chronic illness has been painful, and it's hard to feel all of the emotions that arise.
I don't want to feel the excruciating pain of doing even simple tasks.
I don't want to feel the sadness I see in my family's eyes... or my own eyes.
I don't want to feel the helplessness of not being able to care for myself.
I don't want to feel the hopelessness that this pain may never go away.
I don't want to feel like the burden I feel I've become.
I don't want to feel the frustration of not being able to know or express what I need.
I don't want to feel the guilt for not knowing how to ask others to help me.
I don't want to feel the loneliness... the anger... the disappointment...
The "what if's" come streaming in and just worsen the depression and raise the anxiety.
All of these feelings bombard me almost constantly.
But, I do want to feel thankful for the love of all those caring and praying for me.
I want to feel (even the smallest) glimmer(s) of hope.
I want to feel a sense of pride, when I've accomplished a difficult task or project.
I want to feel connected to myself and to others.
I want to feel my faith in God grow stronger and deeper.
I want to have faith that God is and will use me to glorify Him.
"You can complain that roses have thorns, or you can rejoice that thorns have roses." (Tom Wilson, from comic strip "Ziggy")
I guess we must accept the thorns, if we are to enjoy the roses.
© 2010 Jamie Valendy.